Writing is a strange thing, it pulls and tugs at you until it meets the end it desires. Since I can no longer continue studying, allow me to empty my mind.
I have expanded so much of myself on wondering if i was wrong, if the choices I have made were in anyway rushed or miscalculated. Was I wrong? Could it be me? There is so much I leave unsaid in my in-drawn and reserved manner, myself is not a topic I like to discuss after all. Worse is that my overthinking does not want to let this go, my mind bleeds for some logical explanation or understanding of some sort. You see I have dissected, put together and pulled apart these scenarios in my head time and time again and I am convinced I did not miss anything.
And therefore logic leaves me to the same space that created these thoughts that maybe you were just not enough. I think that in some odd way my ‘to the detail’ self was trying to add lovable traits to you to try and account for the missing pieces. You were not trying enough and not enough is not a space I know how to be in. I took away nothing but discomfort from all the things you refused to discuss or made out to be petty. I do not know how to exist out loud and have my personal life everywhere, oozing my every thought on to social media. Then there are the questions you never asked, love is detail you know. Enough would have done this this and would have done that.
So I have concluded that I am not made for this trying to be a half of two thing just yet, if ever. My existence will not be spent on trying to find myself inside another. I deserve my love, even if it must originate from within me. I have concluded that I am here as myself and that is enough. People may complement me, but they do not make Me.
I exist and that is enough, you may love me but even if you don’t I will always be standing on my feet.
*The thoughts that plague my mind. For my ex-lover, I hope you know I did try.